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Old 4 Weeks Ago
ChiefIllini1 ChiefIllini1 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,504
The Great Cereal Debate

I just finished a variety pack of cereal from General Mills. Based upon this extensive research, I'm calling for a national boycott and have asked the Food and Drug Administration to ban the sale of all General Mills products except for Lucky Charms, which are magically delicious.

TRIX. This cereal is what I imagine they sell as candy in Thailand or Costa Rica. Whatever you do, do not put Trix in your mouth! It is multi-colored glossy plastic bits that leave an awful aftertaste that can survive multiple brushings and rinsings with Crest Prohealth Advanced Formula mouthwash.

CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH. I'll admit that I'm a sucker for pumpkin-flavored anything in the Fall. Every year, I load up on pumpkin-flavored desserts and pumpkin-flavored drinks. I would buy pumpkin-flavored toothpaste if I could find it.

Every year I'm sorely disappointed.

The same thing goes with cinnamon. Except it is a year-round defect in my character. Cinnamon always disappoints. The only agreeable cinnamon can be found in Cinnabons, but only if you get them at an airport. One little packet of Cinnamon Toast Crunch has ruined this spice for me for the rest of my life. I seriously considered whether to induce vomiting, but I didn't want to taste it a second time.

COCO PUFFS. $@#& Coco Puffs! $@#& Coco Puffs all to &#$@! What was that? This is what bats must taste like. Seriously, $@#& Coco Puffs! You have to be literally insane to like them. I now fully appreciate their advertising campaign.

CHEERIOS. I'll probably hear it from Team Cheerios, and I'll probably be sued by Big Cereal, but Cheerios are not good. If you put enough sugar in the bowl, these things can be eaten if you are desperate.

If you are ever stranded at sea in a lifeboat stocked with nothing but a box of Cheerios, a five-pound bag of sugar and a gallon of milk, I would seriously suggest waiting five or six days before eating the Cheerios. Give the helicopters a chance to find you. If you break down and eat the Cheerios, you will be burping up that Cheerios taste the rest of the day.

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Old 4 Weeks Ago
ChiefIllini1 ChiefIllini1 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,504

Frosted Flakes, Wheaties, Life, Frosted Shredded Wheat.

Every four months: Cap'n Crunch, Raisin Bran, Lucky Charms.

Every six months: Granola, Oatmeal, Cream of Wheat.

Every two years: Grape Nuts. (I always forget that they suck).

I like Super Sugar Smacks, but it makes my urine smell. Has anybody noticed that? That can't be good.

So, what about you?
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Old 4 Weeks Ago
ChiefIllini1 ChiefIllini1 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,504
Okay, a couple cereal stories. I've got a million, but these are the two best. Well, one's more of a practical joke than a story. Here goes:


My boy was coming down from ILLINOIS to visit me in Myrtle Beach. I knew he liked Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries because I fed him that toxic #@$& while he was growing up. So, I bought a box of regular Cap'n Crunch and a box with the crunchberries.

Before he arrived, I carefully opened the crunchberries box from the bottom. I took out the bag containing the crunchberry cereal and put a bag of regular Cap'n Crunch in the box. Glued the bottom shut, and played the waiting game.


I was in basic training at Fort Bliss going through the mess hall line and piled my tray with eggs and waffles. I saw some Cream of Wheat which I scooped into a bowl and, further down the line, poured some milk and sugar over it.

While I did that, one of the Drill Sergeants locked onto me like he was a radar and I was a Mig fighter jet. He followed me as I went to take a seat in a building that must have had over a thousand recruits eating at the same time.

He stood quietly over my shoulder while I ate my eggs. He was still there as I ate my waffle. I'm not stupid. I knew something bad was about to happen.

Anyway, I pick up my spoon and before I can dig into the Cream of Wheat, the Drill Sergeant starts screaming like he'd been shot: "What the #@$& are you doing to my grits, boy?"

I jump up and before I can say anything, he rudely starts a screaming dialogue with one of the cooks behind the mess hall counter over a hundred yards away, "Hey, Cookie! Guess what this piece of #$@! put in your grits?"

That conversation goes on for a little while until the Drill Sergeant decides that justice would be served only if all of the thousand-plus recruits in the mess hall did pushups while I finished every drop of nasty grits while standing up.

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