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  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    MEANWHILE ...
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    Frank: "I just got a raging Bono!"
    Joe: "No, you're thinking of the wrong guy. We're after Doug Schwab."
    Frank: "Think about this: Willie is saying that Schwab rejected the ILLINI job. Who are the only two people in the whole world who have first-hand knowledge about any job offer?"
    Joe: "Okay."
    Frank: "And who is the only person in the world who would claim that Schwab rejected the job?"
    Joe: "Right."
    Frank: "And who is the only person in the world who would benefit from telling Willie that Schwab rejected the job, while knowing that no Athletic Director would contradict him."
    Joe: "Oh, I've got such a raging Cael right now."

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    MEANWHILE ...

    Even as he was walking back to his dressing room last night, Ben Askew was already promoting his next fight, a main event against an even tougher opponent than Jake Paul. "I've got to get back into the ring as soon as possible," Askew said, "and we've put together a terrific fight with Buttercup from the Powerpuff Girls."

    To the unitiated, the Powerpuff Girls were created in the laboratory of Professor Utonium as an attempt to create "the perfect girl." The professor wanted to combine sugar, spice and everything nice, but accidentally added a mysterious substance known as "Chemical X." This mixture created three little girls with exceptional strength and the ability to fly.

    Buttercup is the green one.

    Team Askew has hired Mojo Jojo to train him for the fight. The villain had only this to say about the upcoming Fight of the Century, "I am Mojo Jojo."

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    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    CORRECTION: The Meanwhile World Korean Conglomerate, Inc. management team must correct above article. Coach Heffernan was an ILLINI institution for 29 years, not 27. The writer has been killed and then fired. As a warning to other reporters, his family has been kidnapped. We apologize for error.

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    MEANWHILE ...
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    Your entire Meanwhile Team, including everybody at the Meanwhile Sports Desk, the Meanwhile International Affairs crew and everybody behind the scenes at Meanwhile World Korean Conglomerate, Inc. would like to congratulate Coach Jim Heffernan on 27 years of valuable service to the ILLINI. Cheers!
    .

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    MEANWHILE ...


    Your Meanwhile Team has discovered why North Korea has decided to boycott the Summer Olympics:

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    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    MEANWHILE ...

    Your Meanwhile Investigative Team looked into the poor production values of the "real time" scoring options offered by Flo Wrestling and Trackwrestling. The recent OTT showed that it could be done in a not-quite-insane way, but the NCAA and Big Ten championships were such a quackmuggery of ineptitude, that we invited timekeepers and scorekeepers from both organizations for an interview.

    What we learned was shocking.

    Eighty percent of the people working for Flo and Track as time- and scorekeepers are colorblind. Furthermore, when asked to tell the difference between red and green, more than half of them did not know what was meant by the words "red" and "green." A few of the others admitted to prejudice against either the color red or the color green. They admitted to pressing buttons at random. Three of the six had no fingers.

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    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .
    MEANWHILE ...

    Your Accu-Sports team has BREAKING NEWS: The Iowa Hawkeye wrestling team is temporarily shut down due to Coronavirus infection. The team cannot practice together until permitted by the Big Ten Covid Protocol and university medical. In the interim, they are using the Zoom Meeting ap to get together for practice. This has not worked out perfectly, as your intrepid reporter was patched into today's practice, which started with Coach Brands shouting at the player named Austin DeSanto to "untie that woman," and telling another player, Jacob Warner, to "practice more and leave off the Dairy Queen." Finally, the other Coach Brands (we can't tell them apart) told a third player, Tony Cassioppi, that it was "wrestling practice, not Pasta Night," and then scolded Spencer Lee, last year's Most Valuable Player winner, to "turn off your DAMN CAT FILTER!"



    Practice is likely to run better tomorrow, the coaches said, once Jaydin can take the bandages off his new tattoo. This has been your Meanwhile Accu-Sports team reporting from Cornville-Hawkeye Arena. Mask up. Stay safe. Get well, and back to you in the studio, Ron.

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .
    MEANWHILE ...

    Your Meanwhile Action Sports Team reached out to new Iowa State Cyclone recruit, Yonger Bastida, who came to the school from Cuba. We wanted to congratulate him on his scholarship, even if it meant living in Iowa. Bastida said, "This is the most exciting thing to happen to me since I won the Junior Pan Am Gold in freestyle while my grandchildren cheered for me in the stands." Way to go, Yonger!
    .

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .
    MEANWHILE ...

    Your Meanwhile Sports Desk is on top of a breaking story involving Jordan Burroughs and cupcakes. Creamy chocolate cupcakes. And frosty milkshakes. It has come to our attention that Jordan Burroughs is a bit of a fatty. A chubster. You might even say, a portly fellow, or a Paunch de León. While we were investigating this breaking story, we found this gofundme page set up to resolve the issue. We are a caring community, so please chip in whatever you can.

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .
    MEANWHILE ...

    The Meanwhile News Desk spy cam placed in the back of Daton Fix's refrigerator is now live.

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .
    MEANWHILE ...

    Roses are red,
    Violets are broath.
    Looks like Ben Askren
    Should answer questions under oath.



    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .
    MEANWHILE ...

    In the third part of our two-part series about Patrick Downey, your Meanwhile reporters bring a story of warm fuzzies. The story of a wrestling miracle. You see, kids, one day there was this crazy man who blew up everything he touched. But Rumble on the Rooftop and Chicago BTS took a chance on him, and he didn't blow it all up. Somehow. THE END

    ​​​​​​​

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .

    MEANWHILE ...

    In an update of our breaking story, it is now being reported that Pat Downey is still a Giant Douche. Additionally, he has been kicked out of the NJRTC and kicked off the FLO broadcast of his match with Turd Sandwich. We have live video below:

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .

    MEANWHILE ...

    In BREAKING NEWS, it is now being reported that Pat Downey is a Giant Douche.

    Leave a comment:


  • ChiefIllini1
    replied
    .

    MEANWHILE ...

    You can trust your Meanwhile Sports Desk to ask the hard-hitting questions for every breaking story:

    Stanford had a wrestling team?

    Leave a comment:

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